Don’t you love this necklace? I found her jewelry shop on Instagram, and I think I’m going to buy it! It’s perfect. Faith CAN move mountains. My faith and reliance on God and his Word will get me through anything. Every good and every bad. God is with me.
We have hot water! I was getting used to the cold showers, and it actually felt good after PRT. But you know what feels even better? The option of using hot water!
Guess who locked herself out of her room tonight? I was so excited to get back to the barracks early from practicing! I was just going to the day room to get a Ziploc bag and… locked out. Thank goodness I was able to get ahold of Heggs, so we walked to Shields Hall to get a new key, back to the barracks to get my old key, back to Shields Hall to return the new key, and back to the barracks. I owe her a TON!! What a great battle buddy 🙂
Man oh man, I had a rough day yesterday. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’ve been hammering on my low horn playing. And some practice sessions are good and I can see and hear progress, and then other days, my lips are fried and notes don’t speak. Yesterday was one of the fried-lip days, and I had a moment in the horn sectional. And then lots of moments in my practice sessions… rough. day.
Things are getting serious here. Three people got negative, written counselings today. They weren’t prepared for their private lessons, and they sat down with the platoon sergeants and received a counseling. That spoke volumes to the rest of us. It’s about to get real here at the Army School of Music. Another soldier didn’t pass their AMPA, so he might be reclassed to another MOS. The pressure is on, and it only gets more intense from here.
It really didn’t seem like it would be that hard to be here this summer, at the Army School of Music. I thought, “Oh, this is the perfect time to recover from my eating disorder – there’s nothing to distract me.” Ummm, heck to the no, battle buddy. We play our horns and eat. That’s it. It’s so hard not to let some bad playing get into your head and affect how you feel about your overall day, or even how you feel about yourself. It’s not easy to separate not playing well from your identity. For me, it’s actually really easy to go down the rabbit hole of, “I’m not playing the horn well, I must not be a good musician, why am I here?” Especially when I’ve been working on the same lick for a while and I just can’t figure out how to get the notes to speak. I sent Will a snippet of my practice session and told him how I spent 10 minutes working on this one section to get the muscle memory down (lots of intervals jumps). He said he’d get tired of practicing the same things over and over. Yep!
For some reason, maybe because we’re in such a contained training environment, it’s really stressful. Since my mind is really vulnerable right now, I feel like I just need to be transparent with some of my professors. I had a great talk with Sgt Moon today about what I’m working through. I wanted to explain why I broke down in the horn sectional, because obviously, there’s more to the story than not hitting the low notes. He said that it’s so easy to get tied up in the stress and let it get to you. He said that I need to take the time every night to relax. Do some yoga. Go be by myself outside. He was really understanding and encouraging, like ALL the cadre are at the SOM. I’m learning from the best of the best in the Army music-teaching realm. They’re amazing musicians, great teachers, and genuinely good people.
This is NOT the best time to try to recover from my eating disorder. Let’s just add just one more thing to the pot, shall we? But there will never be a perfect time. One meal at a time, one day at a time. My nutritionist appointment went well. He said that I’m on the right track; I just need to be eating more of my current foods. I was concerned that he’d try to make me eat breads and pastas and meat, even though I have celiac and I don’t eat meat, but he was fine with that. I just need to eat 2100 calories a day. I’ve been taking extra food from the DFAC as morning and afternoon snacks. The DFAC also doesn’t have the greatest selection, nor are there many healthy options for normal people, so I need to bring more food from the Commissary for chow. I’ve been bringing dates and protein powder for breakfast and tuna packets for dinner, but he suggested that I bring in beans for lunch. Sometimes they have kidney beans, but it’s not consistent. I’ll just have to buy more food at the Commissary and supplement my meals with outside food. I’m also getting bloodwork done tomorrow morning, and I’m hoping that some answers might be in there. I’ve wondered about my thyroid and my hormone levels. Hopefully I get some information!
My weight has stabilized a little lower than it should be, but I’ll keep driving on and eating more. It’s such a mental mess. I know I need to gain weight, and no one cares if I’m “bigger” than I am right now. It’s not a reflection of who I am as a person. And let’s face it, I’m not a happy person when I’m in this dark eating disordered mindset. I’m irritable, I can’t focus on anything, I’m not the greatest friend, I’m OCD, I’m negative… and all of this stems from being malnourished. I mean, DUH! Once I kick this, my normal personality will return. I liked that person. And I liked her thick, long, pretty hair 🙂
I’m so grateful for the encouraging comments and texts that I’ve gotten since I’ve been away. Thank you!! It’s really hard being away from my support system. I just met these people here – there’s a limit to how much I can talk about this. Everyone has been amazing and positive and supportive, though. I couldn’t ask for more. I just need to remember that I am more than my weight, I am more than being “skinny,” and I am more than how I play the french horn. I’m worthy of being loved just for being me. Why can be that such a hard concept to realize?
MPT One-Tune Performances are tomorrow! Each MPT is performing for the company and the cadre. It’s our first assessment as a group. We should be great, though! I’m excited to hear what everyone else has been working on, too. AND!! Tomorrow is Friday, thank goodness! We have a financial brief ALL DAY Saturday, 0730-1600, but then we’re off Sunday, Monday, AND Tuesday. Relaxing time! Beach, movies, bowling, (practicing), and doing NOTHING. Yay!
Verse of the Day;
– Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be plainly seen that what they have done has been done right in the sight of God.